After 9 years of marriage it has come to this... my "wonderful" and "caring" husband was sitting at the table behind me after our most recent argument, drinking a glass of rum and coke, bemoaning the sad twist of fate that had saddled him with a "stupid bitch" (yes, he's referring to me) to his mother, knowing that I could hear him and most of her replies (it's a loud phone) and not caring how the words and remarks might affect me. I could see the curly top of our little girl's head on the stairs, as she made her way up to brush her teeth, knowing that she could hear the vile things her father was saying about me as well... knowing that he knew as well and just didn't care. As I made my own way up the stairs, to join her and help her get ready for bed... I heard the clink of ice as he made himself another drink and heard him tell my mother in law, "It was a mistake when I signed that piece of paper and walked down that fucking aisle."

If a heart breaks and the one who breaks it isn't listening.. does it make a sound? Would it make a difference if it did? I felt as though something inside me shattered and hiding my tears, I joined our daughter in the bathroom, helped her brush her teeth and wash her face, then sent her to bed. I could hear the conversation below becoming more heated and opted to just stay upstairs.

I lay on our bed, stunned and hurt. I looked about the room at the trappings of a 9 year relationship and wondered where we had gone so wrong. I will accept my part in this because I know that I did make him angry... he had every right to be angry with me. I messed up some finances without realizing it (it was an account that we never use anymore) to the tune of $1500... and for that he is willing to rake me over the coals, and contact his parents to tell them what a shitty wife he has. I admit that I made a mistake, and I have been moving heaven and earth to try to fix it since, I've looked for odd jobs, advertised on the net for ANY work that will take me and pay quickly so that I can repair the damage... but apparently, that's not enough. He felt the need to call his parents, rake me over the coals, involve them in our personal affairs, and made me out to be a horrible, irresponsible, awful, person... a terrible mother, and the world's worst excuse for a wife. Never mind the fact that I put up with constant moving, upsetting our lives and relocating based on his career, left all of my family and friends behind and just as we would get settled in a new place, he would move us again. Never mind the fact that I worked hard and contributed to the family as well, never mind the fact that every time he made a mistake, I worked WITH him to try to fix what I considered OUR problem, regardless of who was to blame for it... and now, I make a mistake and he shouts at me, "YOU fucked it up! YOU fix it!"

I lay alone that night, in the living room on the couch, mulling over my life, hearing the sounds of his drunken snores from the bedroom. I realize that I'm not happy, that I've not been happy for a very long time and that from the moment we got married, he has been trying to squash my spirit, my effervescent personality, my love of people and social nature... all of the things that he had claimed to love about me as his girlfriend, were not suitable for his wife.

After tossing and turning for hours, I finally drifted off in the early morning hours and didn't wake until I heard the stomp of his workbooks in the entry way and the slam of the front door as he left for work. I got up, woke our daughter, made her breakfast and sat with her to have a heart to heart.

Mom: Do you like it here baby?

DD: Not really...

Mom: Would you like to move back to Washington?

DD: Yeah....

Mom: Why?

DD: Because I miss Gramma and Grammpa and Scooter (our cat, left behind in the last move)

Mom: If we move back to Washington, Daddy might not be able to come. Would that be ok?

DD: Yeah... that's ok.

Mom: Do you think Mommy and Daddy should live together or seperate.

DD: *without hesitation* seperate

Mom: Why?

DD: Because I don't like to hear you fighting... you fight a lot sometimes.

Mom: Yeah, we do sometimes and I'm sorry that you have to hear it. Well, if Mommy and Daddy live seperate, you'll have to live with one of us more than the other. Which one of us would you rather live with?

DD: You.

Mom: Why?

DD: Because you don't scare me when you talk to me. You don't scare me when you get mad... Daddy scares me sometimes.

So it begins... I love my daughter and I don't want her to think that it's ok for a man to yell at her, call her names, belittle and demean her, make fun of the things that she enjoys doing, and make snide comments about her family and friends because that is NOT ok.

I found out that he locked me out of our bank accounts today... if I need money for anything now I am going to have to ask... and it will be a cold day in hell before I ask. So now, I am going to do whatever I can to fund our way out of here... as well as pay the money for the mess that I made.

Hard to believe that he's willing to throw away 9 years of love, devotion, and affection for $1500...

I've got a lot of work to do....

{{{Christina}}} {{{DD}}}
I just got back online again after months of having no access at home, and what do I find? Wow. I'm going to have to burn you a CD of leaving music. I'm sending you an e-mail right now, so check it, OK? Take care. A lot of people back here care about you very much and wish all the best for you and "DD". In some ways it is definitely harder to leave, with a child. But it's also a blessing. It's easy to get used to being treated a certain way, but when you look at a young human being you value and say "HELL NO!"--then it strengthens your resolve to do what you know is right. For both of you.

Thank you SO much... I'm just so scared and there are so many people who care about me and who are being so incredibly supportive right now... it just makes me feel very, very special and very loved... I know this is the right thing to do, and I'm scared as hell... but I know I need to do it, not only for me, but for DD... and the fact that she is all for it lets me know that we WILL be ok... we might struggle for a while, but we will be ok.

Oh my friend... Big supportive hugs to you. I hate this for you and dd. I know this must be tearing you both apart. :(
You're in my prayers and my positive thoughts are with you. I do hope you'll drop in here and update us from time to time.

I apologize for my absence on line here lately , but my life is so screwy right now. It's the domino effect or it feels that way. ~sigh~

I'm off to read your other entries now.
Hugs and special thoughts to you my friend.
Take care,
~D

I'm sorry sweetie this situation really sucks but at least your back home now so you'll have your family there to help you thru this. I'm not sure how he locked you out of your bank accounts because if they are joint accounts then I'm pretty sure its illegal for the bank to deny you access unless YOU sign something asking to be taken off the accounts.Not that it matters now. California, Washington and Nevada (not sure where else you lived but I know those three are most recent)are all community property states so make sure he doesn't try to screw you. Call me soon. oh and Ash said it sucks and she is sorry.

You have a very nice journal here , its great to get out and meet new folks ever so often, so thats why I journal hop some nights, like now, LOL Feel free to pop by my place anytime.Love and Light BLU

Sweetie you know I love you and I only want what's best for you and Miquie. Take your time and look for the right paths to take from now on. Call me if you EVER need someone to talk to or someone to just be there while you cry. It's a hard situation to be in.

I'm here for you doll.

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